I established in Step 2 that the situation manifests itself in you, so there is also the solution! The good news is that there is a place inside you where there is always peace and quiet, regardless of the turmoil caused by strong emotions and thoughts. Emotions and thoughts cannot dominate you in that place, they pass like waves, smaller or larger, without affecting the quiet depth of the sea. It's not an escape, you don't hide somewhere, but you just don't identify with the negative states anymore, you're no longer completely absorbed by anger, fear or hatred. Emotions exist, but they no longer make you suffer, they no longer affect you negatively.

There are many techniques to disidentify yourself, surely a coach, counselor or clergyman can recommend a few. I list here some well-known ones, which I have also used, there are certainly others that work:

  1. "Stop Game"

I know that, heated with emotion, you feel that now you have to get over this situation, tell him or her how things are, to release all the accumulated frustrations, because this seems to be the promise of liberation. It's not like that, unfortunately, and you know it too, demonstrated by many such situations in your past. Continuing and escalating the situation has no positive consequences, even if in the short term it sometimes seems that you have put things in order, the negative consequences will be seen soon. Simply take a "break", postpone the "hostilities" for another day or at least for a few minutes if there is no other way. The fight with the wife can wait until tomorrow, the revenge on the driver can wait until the next traffic light or until you meet again in traffic, even the meetings can have short breaks. This way you create a breach in the dense wall beyond which you cannot see and you give yourself time to find solutions to get out of there.

  2. Follow your body

Your body is an ally you can count on at any time, especially when you have no other solutions at hand. The body carries out repetitive activities essential to life even in the most difficult moments, but it is also affected by the respective situation. You can create a good spiral in which by focusing on the activities of the body you contribute to their improvement and this fact, then, contributes to the way you manage the situation:

a. Inhale and exhale consciously, this will balance your body chemistry, bring more oxygen to the nerve cells and, consequently, a greater ability to manage the situation. In addition, focusing on breathing will "take" you out of agitation, from living in the moment.

b. Listen to your heart: just as following the breath calms the breath, listening to the heart calms the heart rhythm, which leads to relaxation of the whole body.

  3. Counterbalancing

There is an antidote for negative moods: positive moods. The more you are charged with positive energy, the easier it will be to break away from the negative state of the moment.

Remember that life is much more than the current situation: children, parents, friends can fill you with love, hobbies, other pleasant activities can fill you with joy and such emotions take away the power that negative states can exercise. For Harry Potter fans, it is the equivalent of the spell "Expecto Patronum" 😉 But it can also work preventively: start your day with a thought that you know makes you happy and re-remember it several times throughout the day. You will be able to observe how positive energy is eroded by unpleasant situations but can be restored. But when the negative emotions are many and strong, the positive energy ends and you can slide back into the unpleasant area. Be vigilant and replenish your positive energy!

A solution in this sense can be to connect to nature as often as you can. Plants and some animals live in a state of peace and you can successfully infect yourself: learn to simply be, without emotions, thoughts, suffering. Other animals, like dogs, can give you their enthusiasm and joy. Consciously choose the elements of nature to connect with and the type of energy you want to take over, this will ensure that you are charged with positive things and will train you to go through several stages of the 4-step Process.

  4. Training

In the heat of the moment, it's much easier to look for and find the quiet place, if you've been there many times and have a well-trodden path. If until now you could use help from the outside, now the outside can only contribute to the creation of a favorable framework, the rest you have to do within yourself. The training, in this case, is done by meditating: sit in a quiet place where you feel good, concentrating inwardly. It follows only a deep relaxation and tranquility. When you think you've reached it, relax even more. Do this 2-3 times. Then let yourself be engulfed by the peace you have found and memorize everything you feel in your body and how nothing happens in your mind, every detail you discover. When you will be in a situation where you apply the 4-step Process, you will remember the quiet place, you will know that it surely exists in you and that you can get there. This trust and focus on the process has already started to disidentify you from the negative emotion or thought.

Always quiet place

The moment you manage to detach yourself, you have already started to go to the quiet place inside you. Those from whom I took over this process do not give more details, so I won't either. It would not be good to have a preconceived idea because it is possible to be more attached to the idea you made than to reality. It's better to find out for yourself. Don't worry, when you find the place you will know for sure that it is the one! Once you get there, you will have a different perspective on the situation and you will react as you decide, not as your emotion or thought leads you to do it. In fact, there will be more "action" than "reaction".

By managing to remain anchored in that place throughout the whole day, you will manage to be much calmer, to have much more constructive reactions, not to load yourself with negative energy, to make the best decisions. You will feel so good that you will want to go back there quickly in every situation in which emotions, thoughts, life situations filled you again, whether you wanted to or not.

Peace and tranquility existed and always exist in you, you just have to train yourself to find them when needed. Don't forget that by becoming better you will help others, directly or indirectly, to do this!

Success!

 Continue with Step 4: Observation