I propose this easy-to-remember method that is suitable both for situations where emotions dominate us and for situations where certain thoughts do not give us peace. It is based on the method of Anthony de Melo and the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. Simple and profound, it allows you to achieve exactly what you are ready to achieve: from a simple calm to a major transformation of your life.

 

Step 1: realize that something is happening.

It seems obvious but it is not. When the emotion overwhelms you or the thoughts consume you, it is not easy to realize that "Hey, something is wrong!" How many times your boss, colleagues, children, traffic drivers, neighbors who throw parties, etc., etc. annoy you, then you become so agitated, you are ready to fight, fight, yell and become aggressive, subversive, ironic. You realize late that it wasn't you, you wouldn't have done that or said those things. The first step is to realize as soon as possible that something is happening to you, the sooner the better, ideally even before the emotion or thought takes control.

How to succeed in this when you are absorbed and see everything through the "horse glasses" of the respective state? There is help, both internally and externally.

1. Follow the reactions of the body: strong emotion is a reaction of the body. Depending on each person's body, the reactions are somehow different from one person to another, but similar for the same person even if the situations are different. Look for manifestations, which you probably know, such as: the heart rate increases, the palms sweat, the cheeks turn red, the tips of the ears, the fists clench, "the blood rises to your head", "you see red in front of your eyes" and others that of course you know them. When these signs appear, be vigilant and you have taken the first step: you have realized that something is happening to you.
2. He works with "help". Ask a close colleague, a friend, your life partner to help you in your endeavor. Tell him that you practice this method that will help you become calmer, better, more attentive and ask for his help. For an external observer it is much easier to see that something is happening to you. The better he knows you, the more he will be able to notice the change in condition from the first signs. Agree on a note, a neutral way to signal to yourself that you are "packing" in such a way that you don't mind the way he does it.

Read more in the article dedicated to Step 1

 

Step 2: recognize that it is happening inside and not outside

Although you got very angry, your colleagues in the meeting are not as affected. Moreover, in similar situations even you react more strongly or moderately, or almost not at all. You are affected by a certain tone, a certain allusion, while others are not bothered at all. You are much easier to "get out of your head" if you are tired, going through a stressful period or with many upsets. It becomes obvious that it is not someone else's problem but yours, that people do not have the power to make you feel stupid unless you choose to give them this power. The grass and the trees next to you, the people of the city have no problem, only you have one.

It is a little counterintuitive, because we are inclined to blame others, to look for solutions externally: if the job, the colleague, the boss, the life partner change, I will be better off. The more you recognize and accept that both the problem and the solution are within you, the faster the healing process will begin. All problems must first be solved internally, then solving them externally will become easy or even completely unnecessary.

It is worth spending a little time meditating on these things. Remember concrete situations and see how, every time, the agitation, the emotion, were inside and actually belonged to you. The good news is that, once this fact is clear to you, it will be enough to remember that you must do step 2 and you will do it immediately, thus focusing your attention and energy inside, the only place where you can and must solve the situation.

Read more in the article dedicated to Step 2

 

Step 3: De-identification

Look for the place inside you where there is stillness, which is not affected by the agitation of emotions or thoughts, and go there. Emotions and thoughts will still exist in you, only you will no longer be affected by them, they will no longer be able to make you suffer. It's ok for you to have an emotion, but it's not ok for the emotion to have you. In that place you are no longer controlled by the respective state, just as the depth of a mountain lake is calm even if there is a storm on the surface.

That place exists in each of us and you will find it too. Here are some ways to break away:

1. Create a space, a break: if you're in a meeting, ask for a break for a few minutes, if you're in a fight at home, postpone until the morning or at least until later, if a thought consumes you, take a few minutes to solve something urgent. A breach, no matter how small, will reduce the power of the emotion over you
2. Breathe: wherever you are and whatever happens, your breath is with you and you can always return to it. Simple improved oxygenation will bring you greater mental power. In addition, the simple attention to breathing will bring you a slight relaxation.
3. Give yourself time to focus inside: to find the quiet place inside you obviously need to look inside yourself. It is much easier to find that place quickly if you have been there before. The optimal approach is to look for it and find it when you are not pressed for time, at home in another favorable location, in meditation, so that you can easily return when you need.
4. Connect with nature: nature does not suffer, it simply is. Approaching trees, flowers, can give you their state of calm and peace. Some animals, through their calmness, can help you detach and control their condition.
5. Charge yourself with positive energy, it will be much easier to move away from the negative and reach the neutral zone, of peace. Think about your loved ones, your favorite activities, your pleasant experiences, and this can help you "neutralize" the negative energy for the moment. The world did not start and end for you with an injustice at work.

Read more in the article dedicated to Step 3

 

Step 4: Observe carefully

The objective is to stop feeding the negative emotion or thought with energy. Rejection, opposition, however, has the same effect as attraction: it gives it more power. The only solution is to be present, attentive, to observe what is happening, without judging, without attracting or rejecting. There are many things to learn from strong emotions and thoughts. As you do this, the inner "restlessness" will subside, there will be clouds that cover the sun, but the sun will always be there, bringing light and warmth.

Here are some techniques that can keep you in this state:

1. Create the space where you can work with yourself. The most precious thing for you is yourself, so give yourself time and space. As you practice the method, you will need less time, but it is important not to rush this step. As in the case of children's education, patience is the best ally.
2. Put yourself in the "Look, what an emotion!" position. Follow it as it manifests inside you, what you feel in your body, in different parts of your body. Don't run away from it, even if you know it's painful. Already from step 3 you are separated from her and you know that her power over you is limited.
3. If you lose your position and your emotion or thought absorbs you, be alert and regain it as soon as you realize this. Don't get upset, don't judge yourself for it, just note this in your memory: how it grabbed you and how you managed to break free again. This experience will prove very useful in the future.

Read more in the article dedicated to Step 4

 

It's ok to ask for specialist support (counselor, coach, clergyman, etc.) and to work on the aspects that still have power over you. There are many methods that can help you understand and solve aspects that do not give you peace. The important thing is to bring them into the light of consciousness, and you do that by going through the 4 steps.

Like any skill you want to acquire, the 4-step process will give better and better results as you apply it repeatedly. The first steps, maybe harder to take at the beginning, will be taken in a fraction of a second as you train. In some cases it will give better results, in others the emotions and thoughts will persist. Appreciate what you managed to achieve and be confident that it will get better and better. Ask for feedback from those who accompany you in the process, for them the change will be even more obvious than for you.

Peace and tranquility existed and always exist in you, you just have to train yourself to find them when needed. Don't forget that by becoming better you will help others, directly or indirectly, to do this!

Success!